No One Fucking Asked You, Barbara

Unsolicited advice sucks.

I learned a hard lesson a long time ago:

Never fucking ask for advice on the internet.

So I don’t. Mostly. Every once in a while, I might ask for a recommendation for a product or a solution or a service of some kind. But when I do that, I am very very fucking specific. On purpose.

But some people cannot seem to fucking help themselves from offering advice on every fucking thing, no matter what the topic, and no matter whether anyone asked for their fucking input in the first place.

Popular topics that bring out the brigades of Know-It-All Nancies and Well, Actually Wesleys include

• Anything related to food, diet, workouts, or exercise

• Medical or healthcare things

• Books, movies, music or games you might like

• Star Wars anything (this totally deserves its own bullet point because good fucking Judas, the fanbois)

• Parenting

There’s also the variation of You Asked For One Thing But I’m So Witty That I’m Going To Give You A Not Remotely Clever Answer You Also Didn’t Ask For (or YAFOTBISWTIGTGYANRCAYADAF for short). Such as:

For the record, Barry, I asked whether anyone had a recommendation for a USB-C adapter, not whether you fucking approve of my choice of computer you absolutely snide, insufferable prick.

So here’s a real nifty tip for y’all: When people want your advice, they will fucking ask for it. If they have a question they want an answer to, it will usually be clearly stated as such, followed also by a question mark. It looks like this —> ?

Now. People get really butthurt on this one and wail “But I’m a fixer! I can’t help it! I just want to be helpful!”

*deep breath*

Okay. I’m going to try to say this calmly and use small, clear words.

1. Yes. You can fucking help it. You are simply choosing not to. Which means you’re walking right the fuck through other people’s boundaries because you’ve decided yours are somehow more important.

2. Your need to be helpful to address whatever insecurities you’re still carrying from high school is not the same as someone’s desire to be helped.

3. Fixing other people’s shit without an invitation to do so (and specifically without what may be very important context you’re missing) is not a hobby nor a personality. If it feels like it should be, try going to therapy.

There are plenty of ways to acknowledge other people’s trials, tribulations, and situations without making it about you. I covered a few of them here when I explained that one-upping other people’s problems is also a total dick move. You should read that. It’s like the companion module to unsolicited advice. Hey Masterclass, let’s collab.

But more often than not, your unsolicited advice comes off condescending, critical, tone deaf, or a smorgasbord of all of the above.

Oh, one more thing.

“But Amberrrrr, it’s social media! Why would you put it out there if you don’t want people to respond to it? Don’t you give advice all the time?”

I could write entire DF diatribes on this little ditty and I might just do that at some point when my brain cells don’t feel like they’ve been melted with a blowtorch. But the short version:

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Give advice when it is explicitly fucking asked for. Do not when it is not. Shutting up is free. Letting people vent into the aether without your sparkling fucking color commentary is free. Also:

Directing commentary to people about how they should do their own specific shit differently = advice

You yelling into the universe about something you think or believe but to no one person in particular = expression

Sharing your own experiences with someone to connect but without telling them what they should do = commiseration

My friend uses the hashtag #NoAdvicePlease which I might just permanently adopt. But then again, witnessing the people who breeze right through that as if their enlightened magical unicorn thoughts are the holy fucking exemption that she didn’t know she needed…even telling people you don’t want advice in BOLD FUCKING LETTERS isn’t foolproof. That’s why God made the block button.

So anyway. This week, our homework together is to read people’s statements and comments on the world wide web dot com and resist the fucking urge to toss in our .02 worth of unrequested Chuck E Cheese advice tokens every damned time. You’ve got your own little timeline over there, post all your pretty thoughts and recommendations to the world until your heart’s content just like the rest of us damaged souls do on the regular.

Think we can do that? I have zero fucking faith that we can, but hey, it’s a new school year. Let’s give it a good ol’ gifted-and-talented try.

Fuck Yes Friday

If you aren’t familiar, this week I want to share my buddy Aaron’s wickedly brilliant brainchild, Effin’ Birds.

Effin' Birds @EffinBirds

That’s all. You just need to go follow it. He’s on FB and Insta too, if that’s your jam instead. Gives me life on the regular. It’s my birthday on Monday, so if you want to send me Effin’ Birds merch, I won’t say no.

Otherwise, you can just know that I do not want your advice about aging. Ever. Are we fucking clear?

See you next time, rage monsters.

With love and angst,

Amber